New Fronteers

 A blank page and a new chapter. 

Can I tell you I feel hopeful? Parts of me do. Mostly I am still in my old pattern. It's like the new self has been planted and sprouted but there is no room for it to grow. The sunlight has not hit it yet, it seems like I'm not allowing it to exist. I can sense that it's healthy, but the environment it's growing in is not hospitable. It's dark and so full of things of the past. It's not a clean, open space that can help this wonderful plant of love flourish. 

This is not to complain. This is to figure out a game plan. How can I detach from who I used to be and deal with my old habits one by one? How can I be okay with my self, and unlearn all that I've been told? It seems like life is throwing me in the same situations over and over again and I don't seem to be learning. I'm just growing. And don't get me wrong, it's great, but... When does the happiness kick in?

I went to the doctor the other day, to check my thyroid. I told her that I feel tired all the time and I want to rule out anything medical before facing the fact that it's because I don't exercise and I don't eat right. She suggested I'm depressed. Thanks, I didn't ask. She kept insisting. I don't know. Maybe. Probably. I've got PCOS and depression comes as a packaged deal. 

And so it hit me: it probably is a medical reason that's keeping me in this state. You can't very well create a wonderful life when you're tired all the time and hope only comes in shotglass sizes. Sigh.

So, let's change this, shall we? 

Step one: sleeping. 

Step two: nutrition.

Step three: getting out of the house, being active (yikes). Deep breath. It's okay, it can be done.

Step four: socializing. The Universe will have to help out with that one!

Step five... There was something else, but I forget.  Let's start with these, shall we? And I won't think how hard step three is for me. Exercising, being consistent, being outside. Should I adress my wound of being bullied all throughout middle school? Nah, not today.

Step six: Ahem ahem! The Universe speaking! You're very good at demanding, but not very good at doing the work. Why are you smoking? Why aren't you planting? Will you decide where to live? Oh, God, this child does not know what's best for her.

Okay, okay. That last one sounded a lot like my grandmother. Let me give this some thought....

So, I've started sleeping a lot more- oh, I remembered step five. Suppliments. PCOS needs some boostin' to keep insulin regulated and to add on what's lacking. Mostly vits C and D. 

So. I've started sleeping a lot more and I'm eating less, more often, and better. I realized my weight problem is not just my lazy ass overeating day in and day out. Because I don't. More so I have an inconsistent pattern of eating. (Now I'm wondering if I can write a whole college thesis like it was a blog post). It was a huge relief to know I'm not a complete failure. I think that's a realy important point when we're trying to change our lives. Realizing that it's not all our fault, taking some of that pressure off. 

I felt a lot more compassion for myself and love for my body when I realized it. The reason I'm not losing weight faster, why I'm not keeping it off longer, is because of that medical issue. And the best part is I know it's fixable and I know how to fix it (partly). And it's so much more encouraging to set out on a journey to heal yourself, rather than telling your self that you haven't doing things right and you'll never make it. So, here I am, starting my journey to heal my body, regulate my hormones, and get my life back!! 

Here's where I'm at so far:

I've started calming down. This is diffucult AF. A part of PCOS is cortisol (the stress hormone) dancing around having a reggae party in your body. I was wondering why I'm constantly stressed, even when I don't need to be. I can't relax. I'm watching a movie and in the back of my mind I should be doing something else. Now, to be fair, this is partly because I'm laying in bed when I should be active, exercising, seeing the sun- or a friend. So, my body is reminding me that I'm lazy, and that stresses me out. It actually fills me with guilt, and that's what is stressing me out. 

Now, here's where psychology comes in. Because I can tell myself that I need to solve my guilt issues nad allow myself the rest I need, but the reality- and the true solution- is to get out there, have a full day, be as active as I can, and rest when I need it. Sigh. That's hard for me. Maybe tomorrow?

I think I have social anxiety. I've been bullied a lot, most of my life growing up, and it's left a sting in me. I don't like being around people. I don't like being outside. Inside safe. Outside loud. I'm worried about how other people see me. I feel disgusting as a presence. How sad, really, to feel that way. And I know many other people feel this way, too. 

Yes, I know that exercise reduces stress. But, can I get my own personal, quiet forest, filled with tame animals? I'm sure I'd be getting out of the house more. (Here, we're all laughing, 'cause we know that's not true.) So, how do we deal with laziness and social anxiety? Should I move to a more remote place? Should I start my own village?

I've been going round and round in circles in my head my whole life. Trying to find the solution in my mind that will fix the problems... in my mind. But, exposure therapy is the best method, I think. Getting out there, solving one problem at a time. And living a little in the in- between. 

And then we come to the other part: a social life. If I had many friends I'd be more eager to go out. Imagine: a large group of friends, different characters in harmony, going out and having fun. Bliss! But I'm so used to being alone. Hey, manifestation much? Cause one year later and here we are. Dropping dead exhausted from going out too much. Okay, almost. I got covid. But I lived, okay?

Now damage control. Because... Well, that's for another chapter: boiz